Terrorists Ruin Everything!

I can't even take toothpaste or lotion in my carry-on this weekend (darn those yucky terrorists). See... I'm headed to Houston first thing tomorrow afternoon (as soon as I can wrap up my last two stories of the year and get the heck out of dodge... i.e. the office)... then I hop on a plane to (first) O'Hare in Chicago and (then) Newark Airport in Jersey before jumping on board the NJTransit to Penn Station so I can meet my friend.... WHEW! I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

But I'm also really really excited!

I feel like I'm stepping into my first pair of big kid undies. For some reason, NYC is intimidating as all heck, and I know I'm going to feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment when I reach my destination in one piece. And I can't wait.

But I'm also nervous because I haven't been feeling so well... I feel like I'm starting to studder a little again, and that makes me REALLY nervous. Plus, I've been really tired again and a little dizzy. So I'm starting up the prayer factory right away. This is the only real vacation I've ever taken from work or anything else (a vacation that's a REAL vacation... I've been to NYC and abroad before... but always with big groups on mission trips... and for the past three years, anytime I took "vacation time" it was because I was sick), and I'll be darned if I don't have an incredible time! No stupid MS is going to ruin this for me!!

Well, on that note... I better get to bed. I've got a long several days ahead of me, and I need my beauty (or healthy) sleep. I'm afraid I will most likely fall really behind in my reading... but I promise to catch up as soon as I return. And please please don't forget about me :) Read some of my archives or something if you begin to feel sad or really really miss me. And know that I'll be back in the New Year with all sorts of New things to say, New resolve on several issues (a blog to come soon addressing this very statement), New hope and (probably) a series of New fears.

And here's a big New Year's Hug for all of you! I LOVE the winter ;)

In the meantime, have a fabulous weekend, a very Happy New Year's Eve and a cozy little week ahead. I'll see you 'round the blogger world come January 7, 2007 (wow... 2007 is only days away... CRAZY!).

And MJ... I'll see you in a few days!!! Get excited!

Merry Christmas, All!!

I know it's not really all that festive, but this did make me laugh out loud.

hahha... in the meantime, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Kwanzaa (whatever you celebrate... have a happy one... and if you don't celebrate anything... have a happy, merry day, all the same)!

Love
~m

(and i'll see you back with more, hopefully tomorrow)

oh, and just to rub it in, let the countdown begin:

4 days till I land in New York City!!!

Check it Out...

I just reviewed a new movie (and for once, a film that actually fits in with the others reviewed on this site) over at Escape Artists.

If/when you get a chance... check it out.

The Worst Question is "Why?"

Okay, Adam. I was going to refrain... but since you asked (ahem... commanded) so nicely, I'll attempt to post something. I'm tired and heartbroken (and not in the eloquent way you get, Mr. Frazier)... so I'm not sure I have much of worth to say right now.

I'd love to rant and cry and wonder in writing... why does rejection make me feel so stupid?

I know heartbreak and rejection are experiences we all share... I know my heart will be broken countless times before it is restored and gently embraced... I know one day (please, be it soon!) I'll look back and chuckle. But right now... this moment... every moment... I want to cry out... WHY?

I read back through my prayer journal last night... dating all the way back to early last year (as in 2005!) and realized that even then... nearly two years ago... I began praying that I would feel nothing for him. That I would be able to enjoy a beautiful friendship simply for what it was... that I would not do what I somehow knew I would do and fall for this incredible guy (and consequently, screw up any hope of a legitimate, forever friendship).

And yet, here I am... almost two years later... with no friendship to speak of... my heart in a thousand pieces -- pieces so microscopic I fear I'll never be able to put them back together... and STILL praying that I might let go... not love... not care... move on. I rarely look back on a moment in time, wishing I could go back and erase it... but tonight is one exception.

I've been so good... so strong (outwardly, at least)... so determined. But tonight I fell of the edge... I called him. I only wanted to reassure him (reassure myself)... wanted to make sure he understood that it's ME who has to step back... make a change... stay away. Not HIM. He's done nothing wrong... He's not awkward... He's not sad. And the last thing in the world I want to do is force him to miss out on life... on time spent with friends.

So I called to tell him this. And I feel stupid. Stupid because what I really want to say (scream) is WHY? Why doesn't he miss me like I miss him? Why doesn't he ache that our relationship is now empty and superficial? After two years of knowing each other... two years of strong friendship... WHY is he okay with nothing? Why did I grow to care and love and pray while he... well, while he remained dormant?

And I'm sure you're all asking yourselves, "why can't she change the subject?" Well, as soon as I can answer that question... believe me... change it, I will. But in the meantime, I guess we'll all keep shaking our heads in frustration as we join the chorus of why.

On a Lighter Note

After the intensity of yesterday's post... I've decided to post these two videos in the hopes that it will make everyone smile.

A friend of mine showed me this video on myspace a couple of days ago, and I'm obsessed. The artist is Sufjan Stevens, who also happens to be one of my new favorite musicians. He's incredible... and because all of you love music so much... if you haven't heard about him or listened to any of his music... please do yourself a favor, and do it now! ;) -- as a starter, I highly recommend Come on Feel the Illinoise... it's an incredible album! And in the meantime... enjoy:

"Put the Lights on the Tree" by Sufjan Stevens



This video I discovered last year (and I think it actually was turned into a beer commercial). What I love is it is totally real. Some might say this gentleman had too much time on his hands... I say this gentleman is my hero (he's provided me with MUCH entertainment).

"Wizards in Winter" by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Faith is Not a Weapon

I am not intolerant. In fact... I am beginning to believe that for too long, I have been far too tolerant. I have spent the last few years tolerating people constantly telling me that I am intolerant because I am a Christian. And the funny thing is... 9 times out of 10... the person pointing their finger at me and saying that I am intolerant is far and away more intolerant than I could ever fathom being.

The following is a letter of sorts and here are a few notes before you progress. In this letter, it will be important to keep the following in mind:

you = Christian-hating community (anyone claiming to hate Christians and everything having to do with Christianity... and I'm not pointing any fingers. I don't really believe any of you -- the you who read my blog -- fall into this you)
we = the majority of Christians
they = psycho christians who try to use "faith" as a weapon of hate (notice the small "c")

*additional note: as everyone knows... we ≠ they

For too long, we have allowed you to call us intolerant. For too long, we have allowed you to assume that because a few are truly cruel, uneducated and intolerant... that must mean the rest of us are. How would you respond if we started claiming that all homosexual individuals are homicidal and twisted and used examples like this to "prove" this point.

I recently read a blog entry that got me thinking [I know this blogger knows who I'm talking about, if only due to an unfortunate comment malfunction that made me appear bitter and reactionary... I'm sorry ___, please know this letter is not directed at you, but was merely inspired by pieces of statements made by you and your commentators... I must emphasize, you are not the "you" I'm speaking to]. I was particularly impressed with one commentator's point: "This is a crass attempt at propaganda using unverified statistics and extremes of view. Americans have burned witches, then communists, then Asians and now thousands in the Middle East. Gays are not the special case they so deseperately want to be. I am afraid this video de-constructs itself by being exactly what it criticises; bigoted, propagandistic and claiming to have a monopoly of righteousness."

This is exactly my point. I, of course, believe that homosexuals far too often are mistreated, abused, shunned, even murdered by those claiming to be Christians... claiming to do the "work of Christ." But at the same time, there are hundreds (if not thousands) of Christians who love and pray for and reach out to the "gay community." This church is located in Greenwich Village in NYC and, without broadcasting it, has a tremendous heart and open door for the gay community in NYC. In fact, the church has, on staff (not that they'd broadcast it, because that would be arrogant and would, in my opinion, be discriminatory) a gentleman who several years ago lost his life partner to AIDS. He denounced the faith he had grown up embracing while he was in college and finally accepted that he was homosexual. But during the last few months of his partner's life, he renewed his faith and witnessed his dying soulmate come to faith only weeks before his death. He is now on staff at The Village Church to welcome and embrace members of the gay community into the church... encouraging them that they will be loved and never turned away because of their sexual orientation.

Now, I realize this could come across in a way similar to the inclination people have to throw up their hands in defense: "Oh, I'm not intolerant... I'm not discriminatory... I'm not racist or homophobic... I have several gay, atheist, agnostic, [pick a race] friends." But that's not what I'm doing... I promise. I just don't know how else to get my point across. The reason I know the story above is not because I read it on the Internet or found it on the Web site by googling "Christians who support homosexuals" or anything of that nature. I know the story above because I went on a trip to New York City a few years ago with the ministry group I often talk about (RUF) with Dustin and several of my Christian peers. While in New York, we visited The Village Church and then took the ferry over to New Jersey to listen to a man who we'd only been told had a beautiful ministry he wanted to share with us. Dustin, of course, knew the gentleman and the work he does... but we were told nothing. As the man's story unfolded we were all humbled and awed by his faith and passion for outreach... and we were humbled and awed by a church who would find a ministry such as this a priority.

Now, they would find this sort of ministry offensive and going against everything they believe the Lord supposedly calls us to. But if you can open your minds for a moment and pretend that they do not exist... they have never shouted at you for cussing or for smoking or for disagreeing with their politics... if you can erase them from your minds and actually study what they claim to believe, you would see that they are not in fact doing "the work of the Lord" ... despite what they say. As I tried to express in one of the four comments that I accidentally posted on the previously mentioned blog post... Christians *DO NOT* equal Christianity. Most... in fact ALL of us get it wrong... we screw up... we DO NOT live up to all that Christ asks us to be. The point of Christianity is not, as they claim, to rid the world of homosexuals and drug addicts and criminals and liberals and [insert chosen group that they disagree with here].The point of Christianity is that we are ALL messed up... we are ALL fallen... and we are ALL sinners... ALL. OF. US. The point of Christianity is that, despite this, redemption is possible... forgiveness and atonement and a new beginning are possible.

And they make me angrier than you do... because they are louder than we are... they show their faces more than we do... they twist and break and completely destroy any hope of us ever carrying on an effective conversation with you. And because of them... you hate us.

I don't say any of this to "save you" or in the hopes that you be "born again"... I frankly can't do that, even if I wanted to. If what I believe is true (and obviously I truly believe and stake my life on the belief that it is), the Lord will do that for you regardless of how much I try to push you and regardless of how much I screw up. I'm just going to be me and attempt to represent Him the best way I know how.

But no longer am I going to tolerate you accusing me of intolerance. I am not intolerant. I love you even when you call me intolerant... and I ask that you not lump me with them just because they claim the same title I do. They aren't Christians (at least not the Christians CHRIST calls us to be), and I'll never be one of them. Because that's not what I believe... that's not a true representation of the God I love... that's not who I am. And if I'm intolerant of anyone... it's them.

Well, this is a really long post, and it's explaining some things I'm very passionate about. And when I try to put words to that which I'm passionate about, I mess it all up. Therefore, I have the feeling this is quite convoluted. But I've read through it, and I do want to post it... even though I hope to revisit the topic and hopefully bring a little more clarity to a few things in the next day or so.

In the meantime, thanks for reading. And I hope this will allow any of you who may fit into the "you" category referenced above to respect me and no longer accuse me of things that are untrue simply because I am a Christian. And once again, I'm not saying that any of my wonderful blog friends are "you" ... I just wanted to write this and post this and get feedback on this. I, just like all of you (this time I mean the Christian-haters and the you who read this), want to see intolerance become a thing of the past... and I want the bickering and hate and misunderstanding to cease. And that includes "you" misunderstanding "us."

For "them" to be defeated... "you" and "we" must join forces... even if/when we do disagree. [And sorry for the confusion... this whole YOU thing seems to be causing problems. My apologies!]

A Fleck in the Sea

I sit here in the stillness
Dreaming of days gone by
When friends were friends forever
And laughter brought us closer to God.

I dread that every today
May well be our last 'til tomorrow.
I long for yesterday's mischief
As I weep for tomorrow's farewell.

Why did no one warn me
That growing up meant saying goodbye
That friends aren't really forever
Until, one day, we walk through the gates.

It's hard to believe but I know...
After all, I've heard it so often
That most are here for a season
While few are blessings for always.

I take comfort in knowing THE END
Is truly just the beginning
And though today's parting is painful
It's a fleck in the sea of eternity.

**this is a poem dedicated to some of my most precious friends who, tonight, i made the mistake of bailing out on. they are friends i miss dearly... friends who i had the opportunity to travel to see tonight... an opportunity, which i allowed to slip through my fingers. i had an enjoyable evening -- spent with new friends who i'm coming to hold dear to my heart, as well. and when leaving the company of said "new" friends, one made a statement along these lines: sometimes growing up means learning that you can't do everything... you can't please everyone... you can't fulfill every obligation and hold on to every friendship. she didn't say this exactly, but it's what she was getting at... and it pains me more than i know how to express that she is probably right.

i've long known that i do not want to grow up. i've always loved to live in the fairytale... to imagine dreams really come true and responsibility means brushing my teeth. but hearing this truth caught me off guard and erased a part of my fairytale.

because, i don't want to let go. i don't want to believe that tonight very well may have been the last opportunity i'd ever have to spend time with these friends... all together... celebrating our past and looking toward our future. i don't want to admit today might have been my last chance to say, "til tomorrow." and i'm sure it won't be... i'm sure it's silly that this has made me so sad... i'm sure it'll be a few weeks (maybe a few months) till i see them all again and laugh at these tears i can't now seem to fight.

and yet... while i'm sad right now... and worried by the possibility of "last chance" ... i rest in the knowledge that because of the eternal bonds these friends and i share... farewell forever will, in truth, NEVER be.

The Passion we Share

I hope I'm allowed to post this... but, to be honest, I can't see any reason why it wouldn't be okay. My little sister posted this on her myspace blog this morning... it's her first attempt at blogging, and (I may be biased, but) I think it's pretty wonderful.

"Passion is overrated" - Friends

Ok, so I realize it's incredibly dorky to start something off with a quote from Friends, but for some reason it just fits my mood. I just got back from watching one of my friends in a ballet, and it made me sad. Watching her, she was so incredibly focused, like she had literally lost herself in the dance. It was as though it was her and the music and the dance, and if the music or dance were removed, she might die. Most of the dancers looked like this. Passion. They all had incredible passion for what they were doing. A look of pure ecstasy.

I've never felt passion like that. There are things in my life that I love, but there's nothing that is so much a part of me, so wired into my core that I would die if I couldn't do it. I love theatre so much. When I get onstage, it's an incredible feeling. The rushing adreniline, getting lost in the story, discovering new parts to your personality, they're all amazing. But I know if I quit tomorrow, it wouldn't be that big a deal. I would miss it, sure, but I wouldn't feel like I was suffocating, like I was losing something close that had been like oxygen for me.

I know people who would say I have a passion for writing. I love words. Spoken, written, anything. Putting them together, taking them apart, discovering their origins and how you should use them, I love everything about them. I must say words are my life, far more than theatre. If I do have a passion, it would be words. But fear keeps me from letting myself truly give in to this passion. The fear of instability, the fear of a lack of talent, the fear that the last time a wrote something good is the last time I ever will. My sister writes every day. It's something she HAS to do. She clings to it for dear life; it's her release from everyday life, from the pain she feel constantly, from the disease that slowly eats away her nervous system. I don't have to write every day. I don't even have to write once a month. This is why I fear I don't have true passion for it. I love it, more than almost anything, but I rarely pursue it. I'm afraid to pursue it. Afraid to fail....or afraid to discover that my "passion" was nothing more than a dream...something I thought was there inside of me but once I reached for it, dissolved into particles that leave me empty inside, devoid of anything to keep me going.

I hope to one day discover my passion, or even to chase after what I think is my passion. Until that day, I'm sure I'll cling to my fear. Until that day, my fear is my passion. I've let it envelope me so much I don't know if I'll ever be able to escape. Pray that I will. Pray I can one day give in to what I want more than anything. Pray that when I do, I have the strenght to stay....that I have the talent to stay....that I never give in to the fear again.

It's funny to see my sister talking of a passion for words... especially looking back on 18 years of her resistance to have anything to do with me (well... at least the last 10... I imagine when she was very young, she did want to be like me... but I was a selfish older sister and most likely drove that right out of her). I'd love to say that I was speechless after reading this... but, let's be honest... when am I ever speechless?

great post, ______.

as for the fear and praying you'll never give in to it again... i think that's an accurate prayer. but don't pray... don't even hope... that you won't have fear. i'm a writer... it's what i get paid to do... and as you say, i know i have to do it every day. it is my passion... and it is my life. but i'm afraid every time i sit down at my computer or open my journal, and from what i understand, it doesn't matter how accomplished you are... fear and writing (i'd go so far as to say fear and passion) go hand in hand (i highly recommend you read bird by bird by anne lamott... it'll forever change the way you look at writing)

we will forever live in fear that we lack the talent... even the ability... to live out our passion. and we will forever live in fear that we might lose that which we are passionate about.

i've always loved words, too. loved reading them... hearing them... speaking them... writing them. but i didn't put my love (my passion) for words into good use until march of this past year... and i'm 25, and i do this for a living.

it'll come. when you feel you have the time and the energy and the shred of confidence (torn from the fabric of your fear) to really pursue this passion... you will. and then your pen will dance across the page with a sense of urgency and focus you'll love more than anything else.

and consider this post, little sister, as your first dance lesson... and the rest will come in time.

And I'd love to read your thoughts on this, dear readers. I feel we all share this passion for words -- we may have different views on politics and faith, on love and hate -- but the one thing that ties us all together... is our love of words... our love of writing.

Letting Go

Well.

It's over. I did it. I told him all the things I've long wished I could tell him... well, not all the things. There are many things better left unspoken. But the point is... I told him... and it's finished. I'm letting go.

Thank you so much, everyone who's prayed for me and mourned with me and hoped for me. Before I go on, I feel I must give credit where due. I know you all want to take my side... be angry at him for me... believe he must have done something wrong to hurt me so... but the truth is...

that's not true.

Our conversation could not have been sweeter [aside from him maybe saying he felt the same... which, let's face it, I knew wasn't going to happen]. I don't mean to be prideful when I say this, but... I know how to pick 'em. He's amazing... a wonderful friend with a kind heart. He was so humble... and flattered... and sad to hear what I had to say. I told him our friendship was going to have to change... that I didn't know how, but I was going to have to walk away... at least for a little while. And he nodded. He said it made him sad because I'm one of his best friends... but he understands.

And I feel better. I can't say I haven't wept... I have [I'm a girl... what do you expect?]... but I know I can sleep well knowing that I did the right thing... that he respects me for it... that he does care about me in his own way.

Our friendship is important... to both of us. And hopefully... now that I've told him... I can step away for a season [hopefully a short one] and very soon I can walk back [after I've finished letting go], smile our special smile and embrace him as a beloved friend... without expecting or hoping for more.

The Connection is Enough

I keep trying to cut you out of my life. Avoid places I know you'll be... dodge conversations in which your name bubbles up... refuse to pick up the phone and call you every time I have the urge (which is almost every moment of the day). And yet, you won't go away. Every time I think I'm doing well... I pat myself on the back and sing my praises for being so strong...

... and then your name shimmers across the face of my phone, and you say "hello... how are you?"

Why? Why are you calling me? We're friends. I know. We've been friends for a long time. I know we have a connection that goes beyond anything I can verbalize, and I guess it's nice to know you see it, too. But why? Why now? I've finally come to the decision that I've got to move on... get over you... let go of this stupid, painful hope... but you won't let me. Why?

I thought you were dating her. I thought you'd moved on. I thought you'd made your decision. And I thought when guys like you made your decision, you moved on completely... without looking back... without a second thought. But it's only been a few weeks, and you call me and talk of missing me... talk of how it's been so long. And when I see you... you look me in the eye. Give me that special smile that I know so well only because of this invisible connection we share... and you laugh with your eyes at things I haven't even said out loud.

It tears me apart. I want to grab your hand and hold it tight so you'll know I love you and don't want to move on. But you've made no move... you've not said things have changed... and I'm scared. Scared it's all in my head...

... because the truth is... I'm sure it is. I want you...

... to feel differently. To pick me. To make your decision. To move forward. But I know it's not going to happen, and I don't know what to do next. I don't want to hope anymore. I don't want to be loyal and committed and waiting around for someone who hasn't asked me to. I don't know how much longer my heart can bear this middle ground. To connect with yours without understanding why that's not enough for you. And to always wonder if maybe one day... maybe this day... you'll know it is enough.

Just for Lee

click on the picture to buy the t-shirt. (no... i don't sell these. just found it today while browsing a t-shirt site and couldn't resist. lee... i think you should get one... like now! ;)