Together As One

I want so much to write something beautiful and hopeful and resonant. It is the last day of 2007, after all. But for some reason, I'm sad and vulnerable and angry and confused... so many things which make it impossible to write. I thought I'd grown up. That I was stronger than this. That I had enough confidence in myself that things like this wouldn't bother me anymore. I know none of you have any idea what "this" is... but as with most of what I've written lately, I guess this is mostly for me.

I have enormous faults. I am selfish... careless... judgmental... self-absorbed... easily aggravated. But I also love... and I love well. And I'm not talking about romantically or anything like that. My life hasn't gone that direction just yet, and I don't have any idea how I'll be in that department. I hope I'll be more selfless, more considerate and more patient. But when it comes to my friends and family, those who know me and know me well... know that I would do anything in my power for them. I love surprising my friends with little things that show them I care and that I pay attention. I love listening to them and reassuring them that they're really not crazy... "I know I've been there, too." And I really truly believe that I'm a good friend. Beyond that, I think I'm pretty damn cool, too.

So why does it bother me so much when I feel rejected and betrayed by someone I thought was a friend? I wish I was one of those people who could shrug it off and think... "too bad for them... he/she's the one missing out." But despite the confidence I've gained over the last several years... despite the fact that I know you'll be hard-pressed to find a more loyal, devoted friend than I... despite all this... I still get hurt. And I struggle with wondering what I did or didn't do to hurt said "friend." I decide it must be my fault... that if only I tried just a little bit harder, things would be different.

The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them. -Isaiah 11:6

Someone who was once a beloved friend gave me this verse; and it was only a few months later that I spoke (err... wrote) without thinking and virtually destroyed any chance of our ever being friends again. That is... until we meet again in Heaven. I like to think this is why he chose to give me this of all verses... because he knew that right now, our relationship may be broken. It may look like nothing either of us would ever want for ourselves or for each other. But one day...

One day we will walk together arm in arm, smiling together as we worship our Lord in harmony. This is the only truth I cling to in times like these. Times when I feel so hurt and helpless. I wish I didn't have to wait... but in the meantime, I'll cling to this truth... and I'll look to the day when a little child shall lead the prey and their predators together as one.

Looking Back

Another self-absorbed post to round out the year. Oh, and I'll do Rachel's meme at the same time... basically you just post the first sentence of the first blog from each month. And so... looking back, this was my 2007...

January
I spent New Year's in New York City with some of my dearest friends. Felt healthier than I'd felt in ages and was sure 2007 was going to be a great year. Remember this? Hahaha... didn't make nearly as much progress as I would have liked.

1/8 "Yay!!! After a week-and-a-half hiatus, I'm back from all my travels..."

February
Went into the hospital for vertigo the first weekend in February, went in a week later and took more steroids than any human should ever have to endure. Then I blew up like a whale, slept very little and cut myself off from society.

2/2 "It's people like this... who make people like me ashamed to admit they're a fan of anything."

March
Decided, with prodding from my neurologist, to start chemotherapy. Had port-placement surgery. Cut off 16 inches of my hair to donate to "Locks of Love" and prevent the trauma of losing my hair in massive, 20+ inch clumps. Dustin, my college pastor and one of the most influential people in my life, finally passed away after succumbing to the brain trauma caused when he fell off his bicycle back in November '06.

3/3 "I've. Got. Nothing. Zip. Nada."

April
Turned 26 and had two amazing birthday parties with all my beautiful friends. Entered my second month of chemo. Went back to work after three months of being unable to drive as a result of the vertigo and seizures in my right leg.

4/2 "With everything that's gone on in the last two months, I feel as though I've lived a thousand lifetimes."

May
More chemo. Dyed my hair blue. Saw Bright Eyes at Palladium. Saw Hot Fuzz. Kind of a low-key month.

5/1 "now I just have to wait for it to arrive in the mail... *twiddling thumbs*"

June
Even more chemo and got sick a few times. Hit a low point, emotionally and didn't really write much in June.

6/4 "I did not get enough sleep this weekend, and I'm feeling it now."

July
Chemo... blah blah blah. Saw a fantastic art exhibit at The Modern in Fort Worth. Developed a barely-legal crush on Shia LaBeouf. Read the final installment of the Harry Potter series in one day.

7/1 "I wasn't officially tagged, but asterisk said anyone could do it."

August
Last round of chemo. Finally saw La Femme Nikita (yeah... I loved it enough to include it in this list of "momentous" events). Cut off the last of my hair. Wrote a poem for the first time in months. Finally started feeling better but also began contemplating a change of scenery.

8/3 "So... despite all my love and affection for zombie movies and all my instincts to vote otherwise... my heart for family and friends won over and has therefore given me only a 44% chance of survival in event of a zombie invasion."

September
No more chemo! Celebrated my friend Jenn's induction into the Fire Academy. I think she's my hero. Finally saw Cinema Paradiso and fell in love with the power of film all over again. Discovered Mitch Hedberg. Went to Homecoming and saw a brazillion old friends.

9/4 "Not really... but here it is anyway." [haha... good one]

October
Bought tickets to four different concerts. Lost my job (after I'd already bought all the tickets... grreeaat). Read Into the Wild and found myself longing for adventure. Went to the world premier of Bella. Painted myself blue in the name of Halloween and was soon named "Smurfette... the cartoon whore" at my friends' House of Whorrors party.

10/1 "I just have to apologize for the lame-ity (lameness?) of my blog over the last week or so."

November
Thought I was going to embark on that adventure of mine by moving to Charlotte. Said "farewell" in my imagination to Dallas and grew more excited by the day about the big move. This pretty much encapsulated November. Oh and who could forget... I saw The Avett Brothers in concert. Oh and then at the end of the month, I found out I didn't get the job I thought I had and Charlotte became little more than a pipe dream.

11/4 "These are the celebrities I have supposedly looked like throughout all my transitions."

December
Decided I really did want to move to Charlotte and started contemplating how to make this possible without the job I didn't get. Applied for a number of jobs in Dallas (for good measure) and Charlotte... to no avail. Saw Iron & Wine in concert... FINALLY. Had a wonderful family Christmas. Got food poisoning. Got a job in Arlington (just south of Dallas). Am now facing the reality that I really won't be moving to Charlotte or anywhere else anytime soon.

12/2 "I'm still pretty creatively vacant."

So what can we ascertain (if, indeed, anyone other than me put themselves through this)? It's been a pretty terrible year and I'm ready for a fresh start. I was hoping Charlotte would be that fresh start, but I guess that particular start will have to wait till later. I'm not giving up on the hope that it still might one day be possible... but I am questioning my motives for wanting to move there... and I'm starting to question whether I really would be welcome there. It's hard being the new kid on the block, and I haven't been the "new kid" since 8th grade. Maybe moving and facing rejection in a new place would only create a plethora of new emotional trauma... and maybe the Lord is protecting me from that by keeping me here. Anyway... I'm just thinking out loud now.

The final conclusion I can come to through looking back at Notions 2007 is that I've really allowed my writing to suffer with me this year. One of my goals for 2008 is to amp it up and return to my roots (I honestly think 2006 was a much better "blog year" for me... as far as writing goes).

So anyway, I'm not going to tag anyone. But if you want to take a look back through your 2007 (through your blog, of course)... feel free.

Merry Christmas, Part 2

The lovely Kelly asked me and a few others to fill out this Christmas-themed survey thing... so I figured, why not? I don't have much better to blog about now. So Kelly... this is for you :)

Four Favorite Christmas Songs:
1. "O Holy Night" (I'm with you Kelly... only when performed well)
2. "Once In Royal David's City" (particularly Sufjan's version... the crescendo when he says "child"... I get chills everytime)
3. "Carol of the Bells"
4. three-way tie between "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" "I Saw Three Ships" (again, Sufjan's version) and "O Come O Come Emmanuel"

Four Christmas Songs I Could Do Without Hearing Next Year:
1. "All I Want for Christmas" ... is you (vomit)
2. "Deck the Halls" (don't hate it... just not my favorite)
3. "Jingle Bells" (same here)
4. "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" (so annoying)

Four Favorite Christmas Movies:
1. Elf
2. It's a Wonderful Life
3. A Christmas Story
4. tie between White Christmas and Home Alone

Four Foods I Eat Each Christmas:
1. Grandpa's grilled pork tenderloin
2. Mom's made-from-scratch potato rolls
3. lots of olives
4. my absolute favorite in the whole world... peanut butter cookies with the hershey kiss stuck in the middle

Four Christmas Traditions I Enjoy:
1. midnight mass.... even though I'm not even Catholic anymore, my dad is and we always go... it's one of my favorite services of the year
2. getting together with my extended family at Grandma and Grandpa's house... I truly adore my family, and we always have SO much fun
3. having Dad play Santa... hat and all... on Christmas morning even though he really hates Christmas
4. watching Home Alone and/or A Christmas Story with my brother and sister (and sometimes my parents)

Four Things I got for Christmas this year:
1. Scrabble ... Collector's Edition (now I can play in real life, too)
2. super-cute pajamas and matching slippers from Victoria's Secret (I look like candy)
3. collector's pop-up Wizard of Oz and Star Wars books (they're AWESOME)
4. handmade fingerless gloves from my aunt... they're unbelievable

Well... Merry Christmas to all... and partake if you want.

Merry Christmas

one & all!

I love you guys, and I hope your Christmases are grand.

The Power of Perfume

After reading this post back in January, I decided (as usual) to go out and buy the book so I could read before watching. I know I know... "they make the movies so you don't have to read the books" ... but what can I say? I'm old fashioned. And I do love my books.

Well, it took me almost a year, but I finally took Perfume: The Story of a Murderer down from its shelf earlier this week, and last night I finished it. Holy smokes was it bizarre. Twisted. Irreverent. Fascinating. Eloquent. And again, bizarre. For those of you not familiar with the story, Perfume is the story of Jean-Baptiste Grenouille. Born and then abandoned by his wretch of a mother in the streets of eighteenth century Paris, it soon comes to light that this is no ordinary child. He is greedily hungry, anti-social, ugly and... worst of all... exudes no scent. At the same time, however, Grenouille possesses an uncanny ability to distinguish any scent... to identify it, locate it, dissect it... know it. He eventually goes to work for a perfumer, creating the most original, alluring scents in all of France. But on his quest to create the "ultimate perfume," Grenouille becomes a calculating, unfeeling murderer unlike any the world has ever known.

It seems impossible to capture exactly what I felt as I turned the pages of Perfume, but I'm going to try. The prose was elegant but readable, and I had a hard time putting the book down each night. This sentence, for me, stood out as one example of Patrick Suskind's mastery of the pen: "... he wallowed in disgust and loathing, and his hair stood on end at the delicious horror." You must admit... that's a sentence. But somehow, there were also moments that caused me to cringe... not in horror as the novel intends (which, to be sure... I did that, as well)... but in this case, I'm referring to the scents he sometimes described. There were times when I was utterly repulsed and wished he'd elected to abandon characterizing the odors of certain bodily parts and functions. For this reason, I don't know that I'd advise just anyone to read this book.

The thing I found so enticing about Perfume was the author's ability to do so much with scent. The way he described gardens, the streets of Paris, open graveyards, men, women and children... was amazing. As I said, some were conveyed so grotesquely that I wished I could erase the words from my memory... but I can't deny, they were conveyed shockingly well. And throughout, I found myself in awe of the way the author was able to elicit feelings and reactions I never would have imagined simply by depicting a scent.

If you want to read something entirely unique... beautiful and repulsive all at once... I highly recommend Perfume. Now I'm off to move this film to the top of my queue... and hope the filmmakers elected to leave some things to the imagination.

Please, Remember Me (cont...)

Okay, in what I intended to be a pseudo-post but actually ended up being an adequate post... I mentioned I was going to have some pictures of the Iron & Wine show eventually. And here they are! Josiah got some really awesome shots at the concert last week, and I'm "borrowing" them for my blog. Note: we totally forgot to take any pictures of US at the concert... so, here are a few shots of Sam Beam and the rest of Iron & Wine. Enjoy...

at the Palladium Ballroom

killer band... pin-drop audience

I love him
(and yes... I think he looks like Jesus... at least, our impression of Jesus)

And I'm afraid this is going to have to do as my blog for the day. My mind is still an absolute haze from this stupid cold or sinus infection or whatever it is. I'm seriously considering that whole head chopping idea I mentioned before.

SO. EXCITED.

Look!!!

Thanks Anton. You just made my year.

Mindless Meme

I stole this meme from Rachel. The rules are to do a Google image search based on your answers to the following questions and post the first result:

How old will you be on your next birthday?


What is the name of a place you would like to visit?


What is your favorite place?


What are your favorite things?


What is your favorite food?


What is your favorite color?


What is your nickname?


Where were you born?


I'm not tagging people, 'cause I get the feeling most everyone's headed home for the holidays soon. But play if you want... and since I've got nothing better to do... I'm sure I'll see it and leave my two cents, as always.

Sick & Sore

So, I spent 5 hours in an urgent care facility (supposedly faster than the ER... but 5 hours!? come on) because I moronically ran outside barefoot in 30 degree weather, tripped and landed on something that gashed two of my toes open to the bone. Now I have to nurse my little foot several times a day... and my arm hurts like Hell from the tetanus shot. It was a fun day.

And of course, after sitting in that little waiting room for 4 of those 5 hours, I was bound to catch something from one of the 30 or so other sick and/or injured people in the room. So now, not only am I limping around my little apartment while hopped up on ibuprofen, but I'm also curled up with a box of tissues wishing I could chop my head off because surely that would make me feel better.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm a magnet for misfortune. Really, it's probably just that I'm clumsy and careless... but when I want to feel sorry for myself, it's more useful to choose the first option.

All I Want Is You

I saw Juno tonight, and I think I can safely say, this is one of my new favorite movies. I laughed... really hard and a lot. I cried a little (my friend cried a lot). And I felt really good throughout.

That said, it's hard to call this a "feel good" movie. When we left the theatre, I did call it a "feel good" movie and then we all stopped and agreed... that's probably not the best way to put it. This film definitely portrayed some really hard realities, and it didn't even try to make everything seem all sunshine and daisies (which, of course, is a good thing. Movies that do that piss me off.)

Juno (played exquisitely by Ellen Paige) is a 16 year old girl who finds herself pregnant after one night... well, I don't think I need to keep going here (but if you're confused, shoot me an e-mail and I'll do my best to explain). The film follows her as she finds herself "dealing with things way beyond [her] maturity level." From fellow students' blatant stares to happy-but-not-really couples unloading in front of her... Juno is a teenage girl carrying a huge weight (pun intended).

Michael Cera (George Michael from Arrested Development... if there was a way to insert a little heart right here, I would) is Paulie Bleeker... the father of Juno's child. Jason Bateman (also from Arrested Development) and Jennifer Garner play a young couple looking to adopt. There are also performances from Rainn Wilson (The Office), Allison Janney and J.K. Simmons. I have to say... while I loved almost everything about this movie... the casting really sealed the deal (well, that and the soundtrack... but I'll go into that later). Honestly, every role in this film was played to perfection.

We all agreed that the script felt a bit... scripty(?)... forced, perhaps. I don't know how to explain it, actually. It wasn't terrible, and in some weird way, I sort of liked it. I guess my friend Cara phrased it best: "It didn't sound high school... it sounded hipster." But the cast made up for it by truly owning their characters and making you believe these were real people who maybe just communicated a little awkwardly.

Framing this stellar cast, the art direction in Juno was some of the best I've seen in ages (as always, this is just my opinion). It was exactly what I was hoping it would be: Quirky, cool, a little nerdy at times, not cheesy in the "romantic-comedy" sense... and with an unbelievable soundtrack. Much of the soundtrack features Kimya Dawson of The Moldy Peaches and also includes songs by Belle & Sebastian, The Kinks, Sonic Youth and Buddy Holly. And perhaps my favorite song in the film is by an artist I've actually not heard of before: Barry Louis Polisar. Check out the lyrics (and GO SEE this movie!):

"All I Want Is You"

If I were a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I were a tree growing tall and green
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
As long as you were with me, let the cold wind blow

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

Clarification

I don't hate Texas. I don't have an aversion towards the state or the people or anything else. In fact... I quite like Texas and Texans.

It's just... I've lived here all my life, and I've never felt so strongly the desire for new scenery. I'm independent and love new people and places, and I never imagined I'd live in the DFW metroplex... or even in Texas... for so long.

And yes, I'm certain that much of this sudden longing to get away stems from the fact that I came so close with the Charlotte opportunity. And I'm definitely stubborn. Despite all my efforts to accept my circumstances and find peace with whatever my situation... once I get an idea in my head, you'll be hard-pressed to get it out. I got it in my head that I was finally going to see my dream of starting over in a new place come true, and now that stubborn side of me (if you can call it a side... I sort of think all of me is stubborn) has resolved to make this happen one way or another.

But despite my stubborn nature, you might be surprised (or perhaps not) to find... I'm also incredibly affected by the attitude and advice of those around me. I don't necessarily let this attitude change my resolve... but it does gnaw at me and make me question myself.

The truth is, I don't know why I want to leave so badly. I just know that I do, and I can't shake the desire. And I know that this decision/action is largely in my hands. If I really want to make it happen... I'll make it happen. I'm just facing so much discouragement from friends and family... combined with a little encouragement from some of you... that I keep second-guessing myself.

Anyway... I'm so sorry to keep bringing this up. I know you all get mad at me for apologizing so much (and I promise, you're not the only ones... it's a common theme in my life). But I also know, this has got to be getting old... I know it's getting old for me. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what to do and how to do it and how to convince other people it's okay for me to do it, etc. So forgive me. And please also understand... I'm really okay, on the whole. I write and probably sound desperate and awful... but I'm not. This is just where I get my thoughts sorted out and get to hear lovely advice and encouragement from all of you. But don't worry too much about me. I am and will continue to be okay.

Hmmm...

I think I have heartburn. But I haven't even eaten today. I'm confused.

I really want to leave Texas. But I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. This makes me sad.

Maybe this is why I have heartburn. I'm pretty sure it's the reason I'm not eating much.

Life is hard.

Conjuring Creativity

For what feels like the millionth night in succession, creativity is eluding me entirely. I've been staring at this screen for who knows how long, and I still have nothing. I entered an old poem in a poetry contest this evening, and I was hoping that, by reading through old stuff and selecting what to submit, I might feel recharged... ready to write wherever the wind blew me. But sadly, I'm finding no such luck.

I thought it might be fun to pull out the old Pocket Muse and see if it might stir something. So here goes... The entry I've selected calls me to use the following words in a paragraph:

homeland / flummoxed / uncles / fanfare / last rites / tomcat

Here goes...

It was unusually warm for January, and I walked outside barefoot to retrieve the morning paper. As I meandered back inside, not yet ready to begin dressing for the day, I glanced at the front page. THREAT TO HOMELAND SECURITY glared up at me, and I shrugged as I chucked the paper into the pile just inside the front door. "What else is new?" I muttered to myself and shuffled into the kitchen. I had just put the kettle on when the echo of my mother's voice rang in my ears, "January 27... don't forget to call your uncles." Her twin brothers were 50 today; and as I lived 4,000 miles away, I wouldn't be attending the big family to-do my grandmother had planned.

I knew my parents were disappointed I wasn't making the trip home, but really... they're just turning 50... is all this fanfare really necessary? At 28, the idea of turning any age had sort of lost it's steam. But I knew the real reason they were upset had nothing to do with my uncles' big birthday party. The real reason for their frustration revolved around the fact that I hadn't, in fact, been home in more than three years. Since I'd decided to move to London after Luke died, I just hadn't made the trip back. I knew it would be hard for them when I first broke the news, and I was truly flummoxed when they responded with... "Ah yes, we thought you'd react this way. Just be careful, and promise you'll come visit every once and again." It was only a few months later that I found out they never really believed I'd go.

The whistle signaling my morning tea was ready startled me back to reality. Oh god. It's 7:30... if I don't leave soon my boss'll be reading me my last rites. I grabbed my tea and ran upstairs. In less than 15 minutes, I was out the front door and headed for the tube. As I scurried to make the 8 o'clock train, I stumbled over a tomcat marking his territory and collided face first into the shoulder of some unsuspecting gentleman headed in the opposite direction. "Pardon me, miss." I glanced up and my voice caught in my throat. The gentleman I'd careened into was none other than...

Okay. I guess that'll do for now. If there's one thing I've learned from all the many many writing classes I've taken and the books I've read on writing from authors everywhere and from every age and genre... it's that if you're going to write... you have to learn to write badly. This is hard for me. I'm not saying everything (or even anything) that I write is brilliant or even good. But it's hard for me to hit "publish post" on a blog, turn in to an editor, even show to a friend... anything that I don't feel at least a twinge of pride in. This may be surprising looking back at so many of the lame blogs I've written and subsequently posted over the last two years... but most of the time, if I don't like it... I don't "publish" it.

But that's why I love this little book. If and when I decide to utilize it, I follow the rules. I use the prompt. Give myself a set amount of time (usually no more than half an hour) and just write. And I tell myself in advance that I'm going to hit "publish post" no matter what comes out. So there you have it.

And as always when I do these little exercises, feel free to see what you can conjure up. And let me know if you do... I'd love to see what any or all of you create.

Please, Remember Me

I won't say too much tonight because (one) it's late and (two) I hope to have some awesome photos from Josiah very soon... BUT... I can't wait to say that tonight. was. awesome.

The Iron & Wine show was all that I hoped it would be and more. I had heard that audiences at Sam Beam's concerts were quiet (after all, this is a soft spoken man both in song and speech)... but I had no idea to expect this. You could have heard a pin drop between songs. He even joked about it a few times telling us, "Geez. You guys should be quiet..." and a whisper of laughter would move through the crowd.

He was suffering from a cold and apologized for it... but I can't imagine him putting on a more perfect set. Granted... I don't think I've ever been so awed by a musician in my life, so I'll admit I'm probably a tad biased. His voice is pure and melodic... his musical talent is phenomenal... and his lyrics seem to be divinely inspired (well... except for the fact that he's agnostic and sings often of his surprising lack of faith despite having been raised in the Bible belt).

I said I wasn't going to say too much, and I've already gone and said more than I intended. But I've been looking forward to tonight for months now; and instead of being let down by my high expectations, I was blown away. I don't see Sam getting knocked off that musical pedestal I've got him on for a long time. I hope those of you who aren't familiar give him a chance sometime.

And if you do... I'd start with one of these two albums: Woman King or The Shepherd's Dog. The latter is his newest album and not as "slow" as some of the others. And Woman King is one of the most lyrically penetrating albums I've ever heard [ladies... you want to feel fascinating and empowered... listen to this album].

I'll be back (whenever Josiah sends them to me) with pictures and maybe even a video (he also shot some footage of a few songs). Till then... "Please, remember me... fondly" -from I&W's "Trapeze Swinger"

Keeping Track

I've decided to post a list of all the DVDs I own because I loan them out so often that I've started forgetting who has what, and it's frustrating me. I imagine there are even movies I've completely forgotten about now collecting dust in someone's else's video cabinet. So to at least prevent that last statement from holding true any longer...

This is a list of DVDs currently on my shelf:

Trainspotting
The Hours
How to Steal a Million
Garden State
A League of Their Own
Almost Famous
Forrest Gump
Big Fish
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
The Incredibles
Finding Nemo
Dr. Strangelove
Fight Club
Mystic River
Charlie & the Chocolate Factory
True Romance
Million Dollar Baby
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Finding Neverland
North by Northwest
Phantom of the Opera
The Parent Trap
Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man
America's Sweethearts
Sense and Sensibility
The Virgin Suicides
Down with Love
The Emperor's New Groove
Pillow Talk
To Catch a Thief
Thank You For Smoking
Little Miss Sunshine
Elf
Mary Poppins
McLintock!
Charade
Invisible Children
Sunset Boulevard
Robin Hood (the cartoon)
Romeo & Juliet
Ever After
Moulin Rouge
Arsenic and Old Lace
Sleepy Hollow
300
Snatch
The Sword and the Stone
The Princess Bride
Young Frankenstein
Cars
The Inspector General
Alice in Wonderland
The Fox & the Hound
Ocean's Eleven
Ocean's Twelve
Napoleon Dynamite
Spiderman
Spiderman 2
Van Helsing (why do I own this... anyone want it?)
Rebel Without a Cause
50 First Dates
The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe
Life Aquatic
Capote
Harvey
good night and good luck
Chocolat
Dear Frankie
The Science of Sleep
The Manchurian Candidate
The Royal Tenenbaums
A Lot Like Love
The Proposition
Love Actually
The Aviator
Pulp Fiction
Miracle
Scoop
13 Going On 30
The Last of the Mohicans
Hairpsray
Notting Hill
Dumb and Dumber
Memoirs of a Geisha (another one I'm not sure why I own)
Paris When it Sizzles
Hidalgo
Lord of the Rings - all three extended editions
Star Wars - the box set with "Bonus Material"
Harry Potter - all of the two disc versions
Pirates of the Carribean - all three
Indiana Jones - the box set
Wizard of Oz
White Christmas
Casablanca
Memento
The Neverending Story
Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Gangs of New York
Kill Bill, Volumes 1 & 2
High Fidelity
Hot Fuzz (3 disc Collector's Edition)
Pan's Labyrinth
The Departed (Collector's Edition)
Cinema Paradiso
Run Lola Run
Pride & Prejudice
Amelie

all ten seasons of Friends
all three seasons of Arrested Development
all three seasons of The Office

movies I need to get back:

The Departed (this is the one that's been driving me crazy! I can't, for the life of me, figure out who I lent this to. Any takers?)
The Pianist

movies I have on video (yeah... I'm a little bit old school):

Gone With the Wind
Shall We Dance
Swing Time
Top Hat
While You Were Sleeping
Life is Beautiful
Big Daddy
Keeping the Faith
When Harry Met Sally
Steel Magnolias
The Truman Show
The Cutting Edge
The Little Princess
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Roman Holiday
My Fair Lady
The African Queen
Chicago
That Touch of Mink
The Maltese Falcon
Sabrina
The Graduate
Swordfish
The Hunt for Red October
Circle of Friends
The Usual Suspects
Romancing the Stone
About a Boy
Tommy Boy
So I Married an Axe Murderer
American Madness
The Sound of Music
Monsters, Inc.
Grease

This was really a pointless post for anyone who's not me... me or the person who has The Departed. But I'm hoping it will help me keep better track. As I get new movies, I can keep updating my list. And why did I make it public instead of just making a word document, you ask...

Because it's more fun this way. I don't have anything to blog about today. And if anyone wants to peruse my library and borrow something, now you can.
Happy Weekend :)

Random Christmastime Musings

• I like having a Christmas ringtone during the holidays. So I decided to go to Cingular's Web site and pick me out somethin' nice. I found "Carol of the Bells" sung by The Bird and The Bee. Well "Carol of the Bells" is one of my very favorite Christmas songs... and this version was lovely. So I bought it (who knew ringtones are $3 now!?! ridiculous!). Now this is what I hear every time my phone rings: "Shweet shilver bellsh... Chrishtmash ish here..." That's right. My phone plays the otherwise beautiful "Carol of the Bells" with a lateral lisp.
• It's really difficult to feel like Christmas is almost here when it's 70 degrees outside. Of course, at night it's in the 30s and 40s... but still. I shouldn't be able to run around in a t-shirt and flip flops in December.
  
• I think I actually like eggnog. But I can never drink it because it's called "eggnog"
• Listening to Sufjan Stevens' Songs for Christmas, baking lots of goodies for all my college friends (our annual Christmas party is this Friday) and burning a Christmas Wreath candle are helping put me in the mood a little bit.
• My apartment is small. So I'm thinking about going to Urban Outfitters and buying that adorable Charlie Brown Christmas tree they have. It's just so hard for me not to have a Christmas tree... and at least this one won't shed. Plus, I love the story of this tree and the meaning surrounding it in the timeless Christmas movie. And if I wasn't extra poor right now, I'd also get this because the proceeds go to a children's foundation called Project Linus. I'd make this my Christmas tree skirt... if only.
• The women at my church are having an ornament exchange tonight, and I feel like I should go. But I've got a lot to do (of course, instead I'm sitting here writing a blog... priorities??? Nah) and I don't have anywhere to put an ornament anyway. I know it's more about the fellowship, etc... but still. I kinda don't want to go.
• I'm having trouble this year really dwelling on the "reason for the season" ... if you will. I hate that. But I'm also not wrapped up in the commercialism, really. I'm just sort of floating through the season. Only really remembering it's the season when I see Christmas lights or see a store all decked out in red and green trees and snowflakes and whatever else they've decided represent the holiday season. Our church has a great family worship guide to lead families through the Christmas season. But I'm not a family. I'm just me... and the longer I'm just me, the more detached I find myself becoming from holidays and their meanings. I instead find myself viewing holidays as time off, bad traffic and sometimes fun music. I don't like this.
• Perhaps another reason I'm not in the Christmas spirit right now is the fact that I've not yet been able to watch all my favorite holiday movies. So far I've watched Elf three times and will most likely watch it a few more times (that movie makes me laugh out loud every time). But still on my agenda, I hope, are the following must-sees: A Christmas Story, The Grinch, Charlie Brown Christmas, Home Alone (absolutely essential), White Christmas (flinch all you want, guys. I love it), Christmas Vacation and hopefully... if there's time... It's a Wonderful Life. I'm sure there are others I'd love to see. But these are vital.
• Why does holiday food taste so darn good? And since it tastes so good, why do we only eat it during the holidays? Oh... I know. 'Cause otherwise we'd all weigh 700 pounds.
• If you want to deck the wall of your computer screen with something festive and awesome, check out Bearskinrug. He designed some killer wrapping paper for some company's Christmas party and then made a desktop wall paper application out of the same design. It's decking my computer screen right now. I heart Bearskinrug.
  
• Well... I'm sure I've got lots more thoughts on the holidays (see what I did there? that was my Seus-ian sentence)... but I gotta go finish baking.
• Merry (18 days 'til) Christmas!
  

Dreading Dependency

For a while now I've been hoping to express my gratitude to friends, family, my church and (most importantly) the Lord for blessings and provision I can't even begin to relate. But lately... I don't really feel anything and therefore don't know how to express anything. At least, not anything real. I just went through and read several old posts (I seem to be doing this a lot lately), and evidently this is not an uncommon experience for me. Every few months, I seem to go through a period of apathy bordering on angst. And apparently, I'm entering (or hopefully about to emerge from) another such period.

I can't put my finger on exactly what it is that sends me into these periods, and that frustrates me. Actually... that's a lie. There is a certain medication that when I'm taking it consistently, I am consistently sane... expressive... capable of emotion... joyful even. And for the last month and a half, I've been unable to purchase said medication.

For some reason, this is STILL hard for me to admit. I've always hated the idea of any sort of dependency. And it's becoming more obvious by the year that I am dependent on this drug. Ugh... dependency makes me shudder. And this, my friends, is also the answer to another question I've been asking myself lately: Why, after all I've survived, is my faith still so small?

And that revulsion I have regarding dependency... that's my answer. I am utterly and physically repulsed by the idea that I might be dependent on anything or anyone other than myself. THIS is my problem. Faith is all about dependency. And while I hate that I am dependent... I also know that I must be. Every fiber of my being seems to scream out, "I can (and should) handle this myself!" And yet circumstance... experience... life has shown me that I'm, in no way, capable.

It would have been impossible for me to survive the events of this year outside of the faith I cling to. I know this. I tell everyone this. I really, truly, unequivocally know this. And yet, I walk around with my head held high, feeling entitled to my fear and angst... feeling empowered by all that I've survived... feeling bitter towards anyone who regards me with anything less than admiration and a touch of sympathy. How twisted is my soul... how warped my understanding of faith?

But while I want to wallow in guilt and grief at what I see in myself... I take comfort knowing this is not what He sees when He looks at me. He has carried me through all of this. He has placed me in a church body that has embraced me, supported me (spiritually and financially) and cared for me. He has given me strength to survive and keep moving forward. He has given me rest when I needed it most. When He looks at me... He sees a beloved daughter. And even though my instincts tell me I can do it on my own. My faith reminds me that it's okay... and necessary for my survival... to crawl up onto His shoulders and allow Him to carry me through whatever terrors and whatever blessings might befall me.

I am grateful. I don't have the words to express this. But I am grateful. And hopefully soon I'll be able to feel it. I'll be reminded of that dreaded dependency; and my steps will be more certain... my burden much lighter. And maybe then I'll be able to say "thank you" and it will be obvious how much I mean it.

addendum: I don't mean to say, in any of this, that I am repulsed by my faith. That couldn't be further from the truth. I was simply confessing my own sinful nature to want to govern myself. I know that for people who don't believe as I do, this is a horrifying concept. That it would be "sinful" to want to lord over your own life as opposed to surrendering to a sovereign God. But it's what I believe. And I'm happy to believe it. I can honestly say, every time I've taken the reigns and tried to do things on my own... my life has gone haywire. But when I surrender to live as I know He would have me live and make decisions that align with His provision... I breathe easier and feel secure in where I am.

And neither is any of this to say that I don't believe in a God who gives us free will. It may seem confusing, but I believe in a sovereign God who guides the universe and has a (good) plan for our lives... and that He also gives us entirely free will to make decisions (good and bad) within that plan. It's the great paradox of the Christian faith... and understand me when I say: It's a paradox... not a contradiction.

All the same...

Tonight was a good night. For dinner I ate a gingerbread man with white frosting and M&M buttons. My friend Jenn bought him for me, and he tasted delightful. I wanted to take another friend, Cara, out for dinner because today (Monday) was her birthday. But instead we went to the Senior Design Show at TCU where I ran into about 20 friends. I was confused by this. I graduated from TCU four (and some change) years ago and have lived in Dallas for the past year and a half. I shouldn't still run into so many friends at a student function for a school I graduated from almost five years ago, should I? All the same... it was lovely.

I talked A LOT tonight. I don't know what came over me. Maybe it's all this sitting around all by myself I've been doing. I don't know... but whatever it is, I couldn't shut up. And somehow it was okay because no one seemed annoyed and everyone listened (apparently) eagerly. I've been made fun of for talking too much all my life, and the fact that people now seem okay with it... to like it even... blows me away. All the same... sometimes I wish I didn't talk so much.

Before the gingerbread man and design show, I had my tattoo touched up. Because my wrist isn't a very fleshy area, some of the ink was pulled out when the initial scabs fell off. Thankfully, The Salty Dog (I'm not linking the site because it's got some disturbing/questionable material and remember... I'm PG) does free touch-ups for a year following a tattoo job. Finally I got around to getting an appointment. And oh my holy heck it hurt... more than the first time. If you don't have a high threshold for pain, I don't recommend getting your wrist tattooed. I grimaced a lot... and I do have a high threshold for pain. All the same... I think it's worth it.

While driving to and fro between Dallas and Fort Worth tonight, I finally had the chance to listen to three of Kyle's "Music Monday" mixes. And folks... they were fantastic. If you want to, weekly, get your hands on some kick-a$$ music and to read reviews of said kick-a$$ music by an expert writer on the subject... please check out The Foggiest. You'll thank me (and hopefully Kyle) later. I just realized, I don't have an "all the same" statement for this paragraph. Does this ruin the parallelism?

I just got Jarhead and Shaun of the Dead in the mail from Blockbuster and Netflix (respectively). And I'm excited. I think I might start with Jarhead just to put something serious between Darjeeling and Shaun. I'm giddy to see Shaun (FINALLY!!!), but at least with Jarhead I get to see Jake wearing (just) a Santa hat [sorry Dad... that was probably too much information]. Actually, I probably need more funny in my life right now than... well... "just." All the same... I'm really eager to see both movies.

(do I say "yum" too much?)

By the way... does anyone know where the phrase "All the same" even came from? I'm sure I could find out by Googling it... but it's more fun to see if any of you know the answer. G'night.

Writing at Both Ends of the Swimming Pool

• I saw Darjeeling Limited tonight. I got the urge to go see a movie this afternoon and checked online... was reminded I hadn't seen this yet... and decided to see a 9:40 showing at the Angelika by myself. I love going to movies by myself. It's oddly liberating, and it's been months since I did it. Maybe I'll go to another one later this week. Oh, and I absolutely LOVED Darjeeling. I know a lot of you probably think I just love all movies. I don't. But even if you think that, I've decided I don't care. I'd rather enjoy a lot of movies for various reasons than be really picky and hard to please. I'm not an idiot who just grins and embraces everything... but I like to try to find the good (except in Good Luck Chuck... no good in that one). And I also try to only see movies I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy. And I adore Anderson's style. In the opening scene I was already grinning... as I was reminded why it is I love him so much.
  
• I started Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut on Friday night, and I'll finish the book as soon as I wrap up this blog. I'm surprised what a quick read this book has been. I love Vonnegut's style. I wouldn't want to read it all the time, but it's perfect for him... and it's perfect for the telling of this story. I really am enjoying the book and wishing I'd discovered it earlier in life. However, I think there's timing to everything, and perhaps I wasn't meant to read it before now. But I will add... I think it's putting me in a rather dark place... maybe that part's not so great.
• Actually, I don't think Kurt is putting me in a dark place. I think I'm just in one. I've been in denial -- and I don't think I'm ready to come out of it entirely yet -- but I'll admit it. I think I might be bitter with God right now. I don't mean to be... and I don't feel it. I'm not seething or boiling or throwing a tantrum. I'm not really doing anything. I think that's the problem. I'm sort of holding God at arm's length... telling everyone I'm just fine and that God's getting me through this... blah blah blah. But the truth is, my faith is small. And I don't understand why I'm going through all that I'm going through. And I don't want to go through it anymore. So I just keep walking with my head down and not dealing with me or God or this dark place. And for those of you who read this and love me... please don't try to help me. I'm not ready yet.
  
• I also feel very lost right now. I think I'm subconsciously pulling away from a lot of people here because I want so much to leave. And the thought that I'm going to be here for a long time still, makes me want to cry. And I feel lost because I really want to understand why I want to leave. Why I want to go to Charlotte, of all places. Why I think I hate Dallas so much. A friend tells me I don't have to have a "why" ... that I just need to embrace this and find a way to go. But while I'm an incredibly spontaneous person in so many ways... when it comes to something like this, I want... need to know why.
• I'm starting to care too much whether people comment on my blog. I hate this, and I hate myself for it. I really did start this blog just for me. For a long time, no one really read it except for Anton, my dad and an occasional straggler. Then Red came along... then Adam... then Asterisk. And now I have a little community. While I still blog for me in the sense that I don't put much thought into what you guys will or won't like to read... and I still blog about things I need to get off my chest, so to speak... at the same time, I find myself wondering what I did or said wrong to make people not comment or disappear. I gotta get over that. Because I don't want to stop writing... and I've got to face it... some of you are going to stay, and I'm sure some of you are going to go. And that can't be my problem. I have to do this for me -- when I want and how I want. And I hope you stay... but if you don't... farewell, I guess.
• I think Taco Bell is better than Taco Bueno. Neither is awesome. Both are pretty unhealthy. But Bell is cheaper and tastes better (in my humble opinion). And Bueno keeps making me feel sick. I'm not going to eat at Taco Bueno anymore.
• The weather here sucks. I got out of church today and it was sunny and 75 degrees. Then I came home, sat around for a while listening to the wind start to howl, and when I went back outside it was 40 degrees. And it says online that tomorrow it'll be 70 degrees again. I know some people think it's fun, but I hate Texas weather.
• Sometimes it feels good to just be honest and call myself a bastard. Robert taught me that. I don't know that he meant to. I don't think he ever meant for me to call myself a bastard... but he calls himself that often. And I've found myself doing it, too. Because the truth is... I am. Not literally, obviously... I have an amazing father and I'm not a man. But in the "jerk" sense of the word... I totally am. I'm cruel and hateful and arrogant in my thoughts and, often, in my reactions. I hate that... but I don't know how not to be. If I've ever done or said anything bastardy to you... please forgive me. I'll probably do it again... but please know, I don't know why I do, and I promise I'll try to stop.
• People who leave anonymous comments really concern Ben. I think he is more intrigued to know who my "anonymous" commentator from a couple of days ago is than I am. So if you come back and would like to reveal yourself... Ben would be most appreciative. [And you flatter me beyond anything I deserve, btw. I wish I knew who you were so that I could properly thank you for your kind words and thoughtful encouragement. You blessed me.]
  
• I'm tired. Good night (or for those of you reading this... good morning).
  

Procrastinating

I'm still pretty creatively vacant. So in the meantime...

here's a mindless survey, courtesy of the lovely Cara. Feel free to fill it out, if you so desire.

--------------------------------------------------

Where did you go on your last vacation?
Fayetteville, Arkansas

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
I'm not good at this game. So I'll copy Cara... where do YOU see me in 5 years?

How many speeding tickets have you gotten?
two

What do you think of the iPhone?
another one of those things that, before it existed, we were fine. now suddenly I meet people every day who say they can't live without one. that makes me hate it.

What do you think of winter?
I wish we had one.

At what age do you plan on having kids?
I don't know that I "plan" on having kids. The more I babysit groups of children, the more I think... "Boy it's nice that I get to go home and leave these things with their parents." Haha... perhaps that means I shouldn't have any.

Do you keep your closets organized?
Not remotely

If you moved out of state where would you go?
Charlotte (??), New Zealand (some day) ... am pretty open to just about anywhere. Except Oklahoma.

What do your shower curtains look like?
Well... I only have one shower curtain. And it's awesome.

How do you make eggs?
scrambled with tomatoes, light pepper and salt

Where do you wash your clothes?
Martha's (hey Cara! me too!! ;)

What are your thoughts on Tom Cruise?
psy-cho (said in a sing-song voice)

What is the next vehicle you wish to buy?
I'm perfectly content with the one I have now, actually. My next car may just be a newer version.

What would be the best gift someone could get you right now?
Aside from a great job? ... hmmm... I really want a digital camera or this chair from IKEA.

What is something in your home that you collect?
books and movies

What is the oldest thing in your fridge?
who knows

On your keyboard what key is wearing out from pressing it so much?
(same here, Cara) the space bar

How old will you be in 2010?
29

What actor/actress would play you in a movie?
I don't know... I don't think any celebrities look like me. If they did, they probably wouldn't be celebrities. Maybe Ginnifer Goodwin. And don't get me wrong... she's adorable! But she's the only actress anyone has said looks like me, and I sort of (barely) can see it. But I would LOVE it if Zooey Deschanel played me. I heart her.

If you were starving to death would you eat a pet?
Never

Ever been to Alabama?
Yep. I even went on a road trip to the Mobile Bowl back in college. We lost. Oh well.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
who knows

Last movie you saw?
Enchanted... hahaha... I know. But seriously, it was really cute. A total estrogen fest... but really cute.

Are you happy right now?
Yeah. I'm happy most of the time, actually. I'm a happy pessimist :)

What was the last museum you went to?
The Modern in Fort Worth for the Ron Mueck exhibit

What are you listening to?
right now I'm sitting in silence. it's quite nice, actually.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
I'm actually pretty content in this moment. Maybe an ice cream cone?

Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Kenze

How do you feel about your hair right now?
I'm excited it's growing quickly... but these in-between months are going to suck.

Do you have any expensive jewelry?
My TCU ring is probably the most expensive piece I own.

Where does most of your family live?
Texas... all over.

Do you drink beer?
Yes... but not often.

Who do you miss?
Robert... Kyo... my cousins... college friends

Do you have any talents?
nothing spectacular. I can cross my eyes and move one back and forth. It creeps people out.

Ever met someone famous?
Emmit Smith, Troy Aikman, Daryl Johnson, Phil Mickelson, Aaron Baddeley... for a non-sports enthusiast, I sure have met a lot of famous athletes

Do you want to be famous one day?
not really. I think it would be neat to be known in literary circles, but I don't really have any desire beyond that. [Hi. My name is Martha Elaine Belden, and I'm a nerd.]

Ever been to Disneyland/world [or, as Mackenzie likes to call it... The Magic Kingdom]?
nope

Last thing you cooked?
chocolate chip cookies [red, asterisk, Shea... I promise I'm going to send you some VERY SOON!]

Do you like anyone right now?
I like lots of people... but I know what this question is really getting at and the answer is... not really. But I like the idea of someone.