My Sin is Showing
And it ain't pretty.
I have become the ugly person I fooled myself into believing I could never be. I have shed much of the frailty and the fear of my illness in the last several months, and instead of putting on a robe of humility and gratitude for my survival... I've instead wrapped myself in loathing, bitterness and irritation. And it's imbedded itself into my being.
See, that's the thing about putting on garments of sin. Instead of draping you in comfort and light... they sink their invisible claws into your skin and rip you to shreds when you try to pull them off. And the longer you allow their embrace before forcing them off... the more deeply they gouge and the more fiercely they cling.
I have found myself irritated and coldly confrontational of late. And it's been strange territory for me. I don't regret that I've stood up for myself... but I do wholly regret the way in which I've done it. I've thought myself entitled to my anger and frustration... I've snapped at strangers and communicated with cruelty on my tongue and in my heart. And you know that thing you chant when you're little... "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? Yeah. That's a lie.
See. The truth is... sticks and stones may break your bones, but words live forever. They fester and tear relationships apart, and they grow into monsters that haunt us day and night. And I've spoken and written words that can never be taken back... they're out there now, and they're growing... and, worst of all, they're reproducing. Because some of my words have been spoken to others who've taken my monsters and uttered their own. And now those monsters are frolicking around... and breeding new, more powerful monsters. And I'm afraid they'll never stop. And the guilt I feel when I hear them growling around me is a burden I don't know how to carry.
Lord help me. Help me to shed these black robes. As painful as it will be to remove their thorny grasp, I need to bleed out these hideous thoughts and feelings. I want to smile on friends and enemies alike. I want to know humilty and shake off my pride. Help me to kill the monsters I've already spoken before they do any further damage... before they overtake me and everyone I love. And despite my unworthiness... forgive me. And help me to forgive those who have harmed me with their own monstrous words. Help me to remember that I've put these sinful robes on myself... that I am wholly to blame... that the actions, betrayals and sins of others are no excuse for my own. Of all things you've called me to do, Lord, loving those I find unlovable is perhaps the hardest for me. I never thought this would be true for me... but I'm finding it veritably impossible. Help me, Lord. Help me to change before I destroy myself... before these robes overtake me and bloody me beyond recognition. Forgive me, and help me to change.
posted by Martha Elaine Belden @ Tuesday, February 19, 2008
16 comments
16 Comments:
Blimey Martha. Aren't you being a little hard on yourself? We all say things we regret, but if we can apologise and try to make amends, we've done the best we can. God doesn't expect perfection, and neither should we. God offers compassion, and so should we - especially towards ourselves.
Puss
Sin is ugly and monstrous and I think your imagery and descriptions in this post are true.
"8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them." Ephesian 5:8-11
I just want to affirm what you're doing - you're exposing these deeds of darkness, letting the light of Christ shine on them, and bringing them to light in this community of bloggers. I encourage you to continue to let light shine into these ugly, dark areas of your life. Open up to your church community, let them know who you are, and who you'd rather be. Don't keep any of this in the darkness. You are a new creation. You are being transformed. You really, truly are.
thanks kelly :)
and thanks for your encouragement, puss. it looks as though i'm being hard on myself, yes. but the problem is that i've not been hard on myself, and the sin has grown to an ugly, all-encompassing thing. confession is the first step on the road to healing. i don't know that my blog is the best place to bring my confession... but it's good for me to write honestly here. i know God doesn't expect perfection... but He expects repentance and remorse when we do sin knowingly. and i confess... i've sinned knowingly, and i need to repent.
Take it a day at a time. These fights for your heart are not necessarily won in a day. Pursue it and see it through, but don't be hard on the path back to where you know you need to be. The Righteous fall but get back up.
It's not about getting it right all the time. It is about the attitude of your heart.
I understand how bad you feel. I have run my mouth off myself in the past and spent the night awake at how nasty I had been. Sure, you can apologise (and I did on the one occasion I'm thinking of), but you're right: it's out there and it can never really be taken back.
That's how I feel, anyway, and that's why I understand your pain. On the other hand, for most people I know, a cutting comment (received) is water off a duck's back. So there you go: there's me unable to sleep because of something I said, and the other person is not even giving it a second thought...
It's the curse of being overly sensitive, I think.
"Garments of sin" sounds like a great name for a fetish-clothing company.
Yeah, words can be hurtful. And they can be "still out there". But friends forgive when an apology is issued. And while they might not always forget, they should at least have the dignity and grace not to throw it back in someone's face at a later date.
We (both figuratively and, I fear in this case, literally) just have to move on and let sleeping dogs lie.
first off, I just want to say I love how you've expressed yourself. I love also the metaphor you're using: its very appropriate and accurate. :) (Everything we say and do has the potential to be a meme, depending on how "reproducible" it is--and emotions/emotionalism are the most reproducible memetic element.)
secondly, I think that all you can do now is just let the medicines you've applied to this wound do their work--wounds need time and space to heal, and with care and steady applications of healing energy, the wounds WILL heal, and this whole thing will go away, hopefully leaving only a thin scar at most.
Good luck!
Hope things are getting better for you. Don't be so had on yourself. My favorite prayer is the Serenity Pray.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can , and the wisdom to know the difference.
That or the prayer to St. Micheal
Give us cool heads, stout hearts and uncanny flair for investigation and wise judgment.
And if that doesn't help. Well there is always Mel Brooks.
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.
Psalm 51 is 80%-cacao dark chocolate for the soul at times like this.
I can't imagine what you possibly could have said or done that was so terrible to make you feel the way you expressed yourself.
Words get out, mean things are said, they can't be taken back. If you are honest with yourself and others going forward, and boldly face what you said, I can only imagine that garment of sin shrinking and going away.
I hope only the best for you.
I'm the queen of donning those dadgum garments of sin. Most times, I don't even notice it until I feel it's too late.
Thank you for your candor. I pray God's peace over you. Please do not let things thought/said in bitterness or anger dwell in you. God's grace is a wonderful thing. Take heart in that.
i love you, martha. sorry i'm no good at commenting these days. i love you, though. i love you i love you.
martha, you are brave enough to admit it. as i'm typing this, a bookmark on my desk stares at me, it says, 'Turn aside from evil and do good. Seek after peace, and pursue it." Ps. 34:15
I'll keep you in my prayers. Godbless, be strong.
Wow, Martha...you've already answered a question I am asking on my blog today and tomorrow!!!
I wrote a very long blog post about if blogging has changed anyone or made them think...and I am seeing something beautiful in this post of yours.
I agree with you...and in many ways...I don't think you are being too hard on yourself...but I mean this in a good way...
It is terribly painful to notice and realize things about ourselves...but it is so wonderful to be able to process these things.
You see, for me, this post shows me how full of hope and life you are? Did you know that there are people who are not able to be honest with themselves? They are so mentally ill, with personality problems, with sin, with clutching the negative forces to themselves...that being honest is too painful for them...
You've actually revealed how strong our spirit and love is by admitting to your self that you would like to be different and learn from mistakes.
I don't think you have done anything so so permanent though...nothing or no one is written in stone...by saying this confession out loud...you've taken away an awful lot of it's negative force!!!
And you are strong enough to handle this...that is the good news!!!
We've all done and said things we wish we can take back...and although we can't take them back...we can weaken their hold on us by analsing the behaviour.
You see your sin and your saying things in anger was a crying out...somewhere in your past there is an issue or rather a pattern that has developed...and anger was your way to "fight"...but you can begin to address and modify your behaviour by your spirit acknowledging this harmful pattern!
It's all good news actually Martha...its not shameful or bad...because you are willing to examine the processes of your mind and spirit! Ad reach out to friends, family and church for your lifelong learning!
Here is the blog post I just made now asking a question...that you have in many ways already answered!
http://gnosticminx.blogspot.com/2008/02/help-therapy-and-blogging.html
wow martha...i don't know what's happened here but its so very hard to imagine you being mean. you've always been so kind and supportive. sounds like you've got your head around it and are learning...that's the most we can ask for...to learn from our mistakes.
I know what you are talking about. We can fall into that pattern rather easily actually. I was in the depths, shortly before I left fot Thailand and hideously when I first got back.
Perhaps it will help to think of it as a pattern, a habit, that has to be broken.
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