Feel What I Feel

Life really is a funny thing. In fact, I'm a little bewildered by it. About two weeks ago, I wrote that last post... trying to look upon my seemingly dark life with a little optimism and hope. And then a few days later the darkness took over. I lost that job I was so thankful for... this time because the economy and current political climate have taken their toll on the industry I worked for, and I am no longer needed. Regardless of the reasoning, I'm unemployed, and I'm scared.

To make matters worse, someone I love dearly has gone away. He's not gone forever, I hope. And I am trying to believe that he left with good intentions and will come back someday under better circumstances. He's been facing demons of his own, and I'm selfish to wish he was still here. I hope whatever his reasons, he's finding peace and learning to believe in himself again. But he's gone, nonetheless... and he has given me no explanation. I've never hurt for someone so much in my life. I miss him, and I don't know how to get passed it.

It's so difficult to explain pain like what I'm experiencing right now. I've known pain like this in the past; but this time, it's more powerful than anything I've experienced before. When the hurt comes as a result of some infection, wound or sickness... there's typically a solution. An ointment of some kind. Pain killers. Medication. But when the hurt is psychological and takes over your mind, it destroys your ability to think clearly... to remember all the beauty and goodness and love surrounding you... and it seems impossible to find a remedy.

I've done all I can think to do so far... and I'm making it one day at a time. I remind myself as often as I can that things only seem as bad as they are. I still have that lovely home I mentioned. Those wonderful friends I have are all around me and are shining whatever light they can into my darkness. And all hope is not lost. I'm trying to cling to that faith I spoke of. It's still there; but it's been shaken again in its already fragile state, and I'm dealing with it gently right now.

In the midst of my own pain, I've also witnessed a lot of hurt around me recently. I want to be strong for those I love... to give them encouragement and be the shoulder they need to rest on. But I feel selfish and vulnerable and utterly incapable of being the friend, daughter and sister I long to be. My father says I should find some organization to volunteer with... somewhere I can work with people whose situations are far more dire than mine... people who can remind me to find joy in all the beautiful things I have that so many do not. And yet, I don't know that I have the strength. It's a struggle to swing my feet out of bed and stand up each morning, much less do some research and find a place and some people to help. My selfish sadness is terrifying... even though I know I'll come out of it... right now, I just can't see how.

I know I need to let myself feel what I feel right now and continue to just take my life one day at a time... but I want to see the light. I want to smile genuinely again. I want to spend time at home without feeling the agonizing weight of loss. I want to enjoy the company of friends without bursting into tears the moment we part ways. I want to pray and mean it. I want to be strong for the people I love. And I want to feel grateful for all the blessings I know I've been given.

I haven't said any of these things to anyone. My friends know I'm sad... they've seen the tears and my swollen eyes. But I haven't been able (or even tried, really) to articulate the depth of the sadness and hurt I'm living in. So maybe this is the first step. Writing things out has always helped in the past... and I'm hoping it will once again.