Turn On the Light

Life is a funny thing, isn't it? They say it's for living and that when it's going well and filled with fun, it goes by too quickly. And I would have to say that I agree with those sentiments. On the other hand, however, in its darkest times... it drags and that darkness seems as though it'll never end.

Unfortunately for me (and for anyone reading this) I'm in one of those dark times right now. And let me tell you... time is dragging... and I see no end in sight.

But instead of wallowing here and in an effort to try to find some light at the end of my tunnel, I'm going to take a step back and try to look at my life right now from a different perspective. Because, in all reality, I'm pretty sure life is actually quite peachy.

Let's see here... I have a job. True, things got a little stressful for a while after I got out of the hospital and was gone for more than a month. I almost got fired and had to kick my own butt back into gear to impress upon my boss, a new supervisor, and their boss that I actually want to be here and am capable of working hard despite my sketchy health. It was shocking to find myself on the verge of losing my job after having just suffered a near death, a long-ish hospital stay, and a more prolonged than anyone expected road back to good health. But in the end, I did it. I still have a job, and I think things are looking better than they have since I started a little more than a year ago.

Oh... and while I'm on that... I am in good health. Since the scare in November and that long road back, I haven't had any problems of the ITP, MS, or otherwise evil immune system variety. I still live in fear that something could happen at any moment. I check my hands and arms every few days for tiny pink freckles. I find myself on the verge of tears when I trip over my own words as I so often do, mostly because I talk way too quickly for my own good. And I fight and try to deny the depression that haunts and twists my thoughts. The depression I really should deal with... but otherwise, my health is wonderful right now. And I need to be more grateful.

I have a wonderful home. More friends than I know how to love as well as they deserve. Roommates who challenge me every day... in ways they will probably never understand (some I'm grateful for, some I could live without... but that's part of the challenge, I think). A family who loves and supports me despite myself. Plus, the weather has been beautiful for the first time in months. Yes, our snowy, winter-wonderlandy day last month was beautiful to see... but painful to feel after so many cold cold days. I'm so thankful for the sun and the shine and the warmth it indicates is coming our way. And above all... I still have my faith. It's taken some hits over the last several months. I've struggled with my belief that God does love me... but really, only because He won't give me the thing I believe I want most in the world. But deep down, I know He knows what He's doing... I know He knows what's best for me. And I just have to remind myself of this every moment of every day... especially when I least want to acknowledge it.

So while I still can't seem to see past this darkness right now, I know the light is there somewhere. And because I've been here before... I know it won't last forever. I just need to find that light switch... I know it's here somewhere.