I Can't Remember

I need to start writing again. I need it bad.
For a while now, I've felt pretty lost. No... "pretty lost" is a ridiculous understatement. The truth is... I don't even know who I am anymore.

I've been unemployed for almost eight months. I started looking into grad school... but I was cutting it too close as far as deadlines, and I've made the decision to hold out and look into next fall as a possibility. I'm completely broke, in massive debt, and need to figure out a new living situation very soon.

The therapist I mentioned in my last post thinks I should consider moving out of Dallas... out of Texas even. She said I'm not like anyone she knows here, and while moving away is never a solution in itself...maybe I'll be happier, more content and at home somewhere else.

I don't know that this is true, necessarily. But it's made me wonder.

Really, I think it's that I no longer seem to be living my own life. I have a part-time job at Anthropologie... but retail (especially in expensive women's apparel) doesn't interest me in the slightest. And yet, I've found myself trying to think and look more fashionable, and I talk (or complain) about work like I've never done before. I find caring about these things (clothes and makeup and style in general) to be pretty mindless... and yet it's the only thing I can think to find my identity in these days.

That and being my roommate's roommate. I schedule my life around what my roommate's doing, and I have no idea why. I think this would bother (perhaps even anger) him greatly if he realized... it bothers me greatly, in fact. But because I seem to have forgotten what my life once was, I can't make myself stop. I lived alone for years, and yet I can't remember how I used to fill my time. I was extremely independent before the guys moved in last year... and I'm pretty sure I stayed that way for at least a few months into the situation. Yet, looking back... I can't remember what it was I did. How I filled my time (aside from work, of course) or kept myself fulfilled. And yet... I know for certain I was far more content and productive back then.

I was also probably far more interesting. I don't know if this is true, but I can't imagine otherwise. I had interests once... I was passionate about certain things... I was involved. But in what, I can't remember. And it's pretty damn terrifying.

There was also a time not so very long ago when I was invested in my faith. My life revolved around it. It wasn't easy... but I knew what joy felt like, even in the hard times. I don't anymore. I've recognized for a few months now how sleepy I am in my faith... and yet, I can't figure out how to wake up. I don't remember how to pray... I miss church more often than not (often for valid reasons, but sometimes for no real reason at all)... I no longer participate in extracurricular activities with my church friends. And it's been such a drastic downhill slide, that I'm afraid I've lost the strength to start the climb back up.

So yeah... I can't remember who I am. Who is Martha Elaine Belden? Because I can't remember... can you?