I Want to Be Well
Lately, I can't imagine what "well" even looks like. Most days, I think I get glimpses of it. There are moments I remember happiness... I remember what I (think) I know in my heart to be true. I breathe deeply and sense a peace I've too long forgotten.
Then, moments later, I find myself fighting back nausea induced by my own neurosis. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps my crazy is the reason I've managed to lose so much weight over the last year. I'm rarely hungry because I'm so often nauseated by the notion that everything I hold dear is nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
I am perpetually gripped by the idea that I've driven away, hurt or disappointed everyone in my life. And then these thoughts are compounded by evidence I present to myself by replaying (over and over and over again) recent mistakes and awkward encounters, all while dwelling on my many character flaws. Even now, as I'm typing this, I am bemused by my implication that these thoughts are, perhaps, false. And I feel absurdly ashamed at my inability to decipher what's truly the truth.
Day in, day out... this war within my mind rages on. And every day I feel my resistance weakening. Deep down, I know the deprecation and fear are self-induced. Deep down, I know my friends and family love me. Deep down, I know that even if they don't... my life doesn't and my happiness shouldn't depend on it. And yet, the enemy voice seems to grow louder and more insistent. And the evidence he presents becomes ever more convincing. But I must cling to what's truly true. I must find a way to believe what I know despite my crazy.
I want to be well. I really do. No more fuckin' around, Martha. I want to be well. I want to take control of my mind again, once and for all. And I want to kill my mind's enemy before he takes over and the lies he's telling me become my truth. From here on out, there's only room for one voice in here. And I have to believe I'm strong enough to win this war... I have to believe I will be well.
thanks to Sufjan Stevens for the inspiration
posted by Martha Elaine Belden @ Tuesday, January 04, 2011
4 comments
4 Comments:
Well one thing that is definitely true is that YOU CAN WRITE. Insanely well. TRUTH.
Sometimes, when a particularly nasty thought comes dancing into my head like some kind of god awful nightmare midget clown, I asses the moment. I ask myself how bad is it really? Right now? How bad?
The answer usually comforts me. Then sometimes I thank God for the moment, and sometimes I thank God that the moment will pass.
I find myself in the greatest of internal turmoil whilst judging myself through others eyes. I make a shitty critic and the truth is, for me and you is that the people around us love us.
Martha,
Oh how sad I am that you are in such despair. I read each word wondering why you weren't simply grasping what the "truly, true" was ... and then you said "f*&%#@ around" and my heart sank. You have fallen away my friend. You have let the truth slip past you and you have given Satan a foothold on you. Turn to the Word ... read it everyday, every hour if you have to. God has given you this long enduring trial for a reason, let Him teach you what the answer is without asking "why me?" ... instead ask "why not me?" You are so wonderfully connected to so many people, He is using you to impact your sphere of influence. I have no idea what it is like to be suffer with such great physical pain and illness, but I do know this, the Lord created you beautiful and talented ... He works through you ... I pray that the He strengthens you, even in your physical weakness. You are stronger than this, even if your body isn't as strong, your soul is. I know it! Believe.
2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes [a] so that it will be even more fruitful.
[a] John 15:2 The Greek for he prunes also means he cleans.
Martha, I remember learning this lesson in college. Sometimes God will cut off the branches in your life that are not bearing fruit. Like on a plant, where you prune and cut off branches, leaves a scar, but by doing so, the rest of the plant thrives. Are you open to letting God redirect your life to help you thrive? What branches do you need to cut off?
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
Pray the Lord's prayer ... it is a great guide to learning how to pray again. Think about each verse as you go. Cry out to Him!
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