Resurrecting the Ruined

I am a ruiner.
I ruin things.
I ruin the good mind, sweet spirit, and precious relationships God has blessed me with. I ruin these things with sinful and untrue thoughts, anger and unfounded hurt, and overwhelming doubt and insecurity. I struggle daily to believe the one who created me and even died for me truly loves me. How much more difficult to believe that others, as flawed and fallen as I, could possibly love me.

In church this morning, our pastor reminded us that we choose to hide behind locked doors out of fear... fear of so many things. The disciples hid in a rented room behind a locked door because they were afraid to face those who had crucified their friend and teacher... their savior. But Christ conquered death, passed through their locked door, cast it open, and told them it was time to teach, love, and forgive the haters and doubters that lived on the other side. As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you. -John 20:21

I hide behind busy-ness and loquaciousness and self deprecation. I doom every good thing before it even has the chance to fully reach me. And my biggest and most horrific fears become self-fulfilled prophecies. There is a voice that lives inside my head that I don't know how to quiet. It tells me to doubt whatever goodness looks in my direction. I desire this goodness so deeply that I allow myself to look at it... sometimes even smile at it. But the voice is always there, reminding me that goodness is not what I deserve... goodness is not to be relied upon... goodness will see me for what I am and abandon me. So I shun the goodness... argue with it... even scoff at it... and eventually drive it away.

And I've come to believe that by doing this, I'm somehow protecting myself. If I ward off the goodness, the goodness can't turn its back on me later... and leave me broken.

But there is good news, even for a ruiner like me. Today (Easter Sunday) we are reminded that Christ not only died for us... He was resurrected for us. Christ was resurrected to show us... He will one day return to resurrect the ruined. Today I was reminded... whatever else I might have ruined, I will never be able to ruin His perfect sacrifice and resurrection. I will never be able to ruin the grace, peace, and forgiveness he has bestowed upon me. I will never be able to shun, argue with, scoff at, or drive away His love. No matter how much I doubt.

And I hope one day I'll be able to accept the earthly goodness He tries to give me. And I pray I'll stop driving it away, too.